Chapter 19 - Timber, Smoke, Fire and the Backup Generator
OK, I am getting some feed back on my writing style, or should I say lack of style. “Yes, I know that’s not all that’s lacking” Jeez, one sentence in and the voices have already started. Man this is going to be a long night. Its Thanksgiving weekend and my Mother-in law came to visit. “I did not say THAT “She asked if she could read the last 3 chapters. “ Sure, just go to MCH.com ““Can’t you just print them out, it’s easier for me to read” “OK” So she starts reading chapter 2. I don’t know when she stopped reading because we were all working in the kitchen cooking, but she says “ This is confusing and hard to follow “ It is at this point that I stop dead in my tracks and stare at her. “ I did not think that “(well maybe for a second) anyway I try to explain that this is how the thoughts come up in the old pea brain. “ Yes I did think THAT” She says “you’re all over the place” Yah, well at least I can move.( I really did not say that) At this exact moment I have a vision of a Christmas Morning a few years ago. “OK maybe more than few ““I’m old, get used to it “Damn voices. Anyway, talk about hard to follow, I open a present from her and it is a box full of Sexy Women’s Underwear. Not my normal choice for underwear but what the hell, I figure I could get used to having to sit down every time I need to use the toilet and that string thing might not be that bad. (Don’t take that bet) Looks Great on a Women’s Body, I don’t have the words for what it looked like on this body. Now it might not have been so bad if she had bought the right size. I can tell you that certain parts of the male body do not fare well in undersized women’s nylon and lace panties. Now I have to return them and tell the clerk that I have always been a size--- OH never mind. Anyway I figure these must be for Carol and I don’t want to embarrass My Mother-in-law so I slip them to Carol and the whole family is looking at the 2 of us shaking their heads. Now comes the real kicker, they don’t fit Carol, or anybody else in the house. What is it about double digits on the size label of women’s clothing that makes them run like hell into the Petit (My Ass) Department? So, My Mother-in-law can’t figure out my writing style and we, to this day, do not know who she bought those panties for. Is this that hard to follow? “No you can’t come into the changing room with me”.
Well, now that I got that off my chest, “ No the bra’s did not fit either “ Lets talk Disaster, September and October around here set new highs in Disaster Drama 101.
If you own a chain saw and have cut down a few trees you know that “Tree Falling” can be a beautiful thing. The perfect fall cut and a well placed back cut will land your tree exactly where you want it to. Then there’s my way, the tree is already leaning in the direction I want it to land so who needs a fall cut, I start right in on the back cut. So far so good, the tree starts to pop and snap ( Rice Crispies go Crackle, Oak trees don’t ) so I stand back and check the angle and decide to take a little more cut when all at once it goes “Craack”, only problem is it did it 4 feet up from the back cut and split down the middle. This would not have been an issue if it stayed its course (Parallel to the Power Lines), but this is me doing the tree falling. Well the damn thing turns 90 degrees left and I hear this sound that you don’t normally hear unless lightning strikes your house or a big rig has knocked down a couple of power poles in your front yard. “ZZZZZZTTTTTTT, WOOOOSSSSHHHHH, BOOOOOMMMMMM, SIZZZZZIIIILE” “Dad are you OK?” “I bet the powers out huh” “Yup” “Oh Sh—ttt FIIIIRRRE” Sirens in the distance. “Toni, get the hose” “OK”.The Fire trucks are coming up the driveway as I casually continue to put out the fire. It’s out before they get out of their truck. (I have a really long driveway) “ Hi Guy’s, haven’t seen you in a couple of years, how’s it going” At this point in time the Fire Captain points out that I am standing on the downed power line with a hose in my hand. Hey it was getting dark as I put out the fire. So I back up and turn off the water. The Captain has already called PG&E (Pacific Gas & Electric) with the location of the problem. So he says that the last time he was here was when we had the big chimney fire that looked like an upside down rocket motor. Damn I had forgotten all about that one. They used that disaster as a first of the fire season training session. Boy was that a lot of fun. Damn, what was I “Carrooll” Oh yah now I remember, so all we can do is wait for PG&E. We offer all of the guy’s coffee and they look at the dark house and scratch their heads and say “No thanks”. “ Yes I know the power is out I just forgot “ Voices again
It’s a good thing I live in a small county, only 35000 people, I only knocked out the power to 5000 of them, and the Indian Casino, theirs another 5000. Now its pitch black and the PG&E guy is parked in the driveway asking questions and getting his AR written up (accident report) and a parts list for the repair crew. This is when Carol walks up to him and asks if PG&E has a “No Disclosure” policy. “A What?” “You know, like your not going to publish this in the newspaper are you?” They don’t have time for that so she asks me what are we going to do when all of the businesses sue us because the power is out? I told her we will have to sell everything and leave the county in shame. The PG&E guy tells Carol that I did not knock out the power, the tree did. The tree did not go where it was supposed to go so it was not my fault. The phone rings and My Mother-in Law wants to know if I am in Jail yet for knocking out the power. (Maybe I should Bikini Wax before they arrest me).
It’s been 2 hours and I have completely forgotten about the Aquariums. I run in the house and find the carpet is dry (nothing like a 2 dollar check valve) and the fish are fine. So I dig out the old Honda Generator get the filters going and some lights on and order a pizza.
PG&E tells us we will have power before morning as they have restored everybody else and now they can start to pull the wire back across the pond and fix the pole. So we go to bed and all of a sudden at 2:30 in the morning every light in the house comes on and scares the crap out of all of us. So I turn off the old Honda and check the tanks. Yup, the suns coming up in just a few hours and I have more trees to fall. Carol looks at me, then walks out to the garage and pours all of my chain saw gas in her pick up truck.” It’s going to smoke and foul your spark plugs” Yea, but it won’t knock the power out doing it” “Good Night Dave” BUT “Get Chuck over here so you don’t knock down the house, Yes Dear “
This months moral. There is a very fine line between “Tree Falling and Falling Trees”
Next up, a new way of spreading the harvest.
See Ya Next Month
PS If you happen to be in northern California and want free fish let me know. I am having trouble convincing my Africans to practice safe sex and I’m just too conservative to go with an all male tank. And remember “It’s all about the water”